if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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