wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
