She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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