in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
