Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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