my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
