We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
