Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
