I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
