I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
