Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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