The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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