So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
