I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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