Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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