evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
