it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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