That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
