Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
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I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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