he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
