am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize