EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
