it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
