i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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