Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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