I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
