the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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