Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
