you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
