My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
