12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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