I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
