found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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