happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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