Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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