The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
