i jhust puked up my retainher.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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