Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
