I can text with my tongue
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
