never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
