Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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