Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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