I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
