I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
