She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
