Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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