your parents love me but you hate me
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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