can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
