HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need to sanitize my soul.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
