I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
