i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
