He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
