Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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