if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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