My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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