Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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