I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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