you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
