so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
